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Daughter
First, Boyfriend Second
Question:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months now and we are talking moving
in together. Trouble is, my 6 year old daughter from my prior marriage really
hasn't taken to my boyfriend. This upsets my boyfriend and he is telling me we
should just go ahead and move in together because we are in charge, not my
daughter. Who do I listen to?
Answer:
What you haven't stated in your question is how long you have been separated
from your first husband or who initiated the separation or the quality of
relationship you had with your former husband. All these issues play into how
your daughter is adjusting and how she feels about your new boyfriend.
Please note, it can take children several years to adjust to their parents'
separation. During their adjustment, they often harbour fantasies of their
parents re-uniting. The introduction of a new lover too soon can spell
tremendous upset for the child still determined to see their parents get back
together. Hence rushing the relationship with the new lover can seriously
backfire and your child may never take to this person and the ensuing conflict
can rip apart all these relationships.
Further and in view of the information you do provide, it sounds like your
boyfriend may be concentrating more on his needs and wants for a relationship
with you than he shows concern for the emotional well being of your daughter.
Quite frankly it seems you have been put into a position where you have to
choose between him and your daughter. This is controlling and emotionally
abusive. You shouldn't have to choose between your boyfriend and your daughter.
It should be a given that the needs and emotional well-being of your daughter
come first. If your boyfriend cannot see this, you should seriously reconsider
any relationship with him, let alone living together at this time.
-----
Gary
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
(905) 628-4847
gary@yoursocialworker.com
www.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker in private practice. Courts in Ontario,
Canada, consider Gary an expert on child development, parent-child
relations, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations,
social work and an expert for the purpose of giving a critique on a
Section 112 (social work) report.
Call
Gary for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters.
Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques
and workshops.
Buy
the book:
For
information on Direnfeld's book, Raising Kids Without Raising Cane,
click
here.
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