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Marriage Rescue: Overcoming ten deadly sins in failing relationships.
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and Resolving The Cycle Of Abuse
you find yourself returning to the same abusive relationships time and again or
choosing abusive partners over and over? Do
you find yourself returning to your parents all the time seeking advice,
guidance, validation or support, only to be continually disappointed?
You likely have poor self-esteem and you are likely quite emotionally
vulnerable. Here's why and what you
is an outcome of being valued by our parents when we were growing up.
Our self-esteem is actually rooted as far back as our parentsí mate
selection. Hopefully, our parents
chose each other believing each possessed the appropriate emotional maturity and
practical skills necessary to rear a child.
Beyond that, our being valued by our parents is demonstrated by
reasonable prenatal care, planning for childbirth, postnatal care and the
ongoing efforts to meet our needs in a caring and loving environment.
As we are consistently and reasonably loved and cared for, we develop a
sense of security and value in ourselves.
the absence of our parentsí emotional investment in us and/or their lack of
appropriate care, or worse, our exposure to neglect, abuse, or harm, we may have
an incomplete sense of security, value and worth.
In view of an incomplete sense of security, value and worth, we are
insecure and may inadvertently spend considerable time and energies seeking the
validation and sense of worthiness we never received.
Further and without a sense of worthiness we may come to accept
relationships and circumstances that unfortunately only contribute to greater
worthlessness. In the face of this
greater worthlessness we yet may engage in more self-defeating attempts at
validation from those incapable of reasonably meeting our needs.
Thus, a conundrum is created in that the more we try to meet our needs
through persons less capable of providing for our needs, the more harm befalls
person who has unmet needs to be reasonably valued from before childhood and on,
may have impaired judgment when it comes to their own mate selection and sources
of validation. These persons
require support to endure their insecurity as they learn to set boundaries,
discriminate between reasonable and unreasonable partners, and learn to meet
their own needs.
way of example, lack of being valued or validation creates a thirst to quench
the dry well of insecurity.
a woman setting out across the desert with no water. Eventually she is overcome by the sun's heat and an
increasing thirst. With her clothes
in tatters she pulls herself through the sand looking for an oasis. In the distance are palm fronds.
This gives hope to her, now almost dying of thirst and from that hope
springs a desire to drag herself to the oasis.
Now at the oasis she comes across a small shallow pool of liquid.
Without thinking and with a need to quickly quench the driving thirst,
she submerges her head into the shallow pool and sucks back the liquid.
With the thirst barely quenched she can finally taste the liquid from
which she seeks relief. At that
moment she realizes she is drinking camel urine.
camel urine may briefly sustain the thirst-quenched person in the desert, it
hardly provides for lifelong sustenance. With
this story, hopefully it is understandable how vulnerability can lead to
strategy to overcome these circumstances is to seek new supports typically from
agencies or professional persons trained to help people sustain themselves in an
emotional drought whilst they learn to take care of themselves and fill their
own reservoir in the company of other nurturing individuals who take legitimate
interest in others for the sake of the other's well-being.
this article rings true for you and you wish to change the direction of your
life and circumstance, seek counseling. You
may find that that counseling is best delivered through agencies or individuals
who are trained and have a working knowledge in helping people who have been
subject to abuse or neglect. Given
a history of abuse where you may not have been appropriately nourished, there
are few things as satisfying as learning to nourish yourself to then make more
reasonable choices for love and affiliation with other people who themselves are
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Call Gary for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.
For information on Direnfeld's book, Raising Kids Without Raising Cane, click here.
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