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Marriage Rescue: Overcoming ten deadly sins in failing relationships.
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Five Best Friends of the Abusive Man
abusive men are out for themselves. These are the narcissists and sociopaths who
walk among us in plain clothes. Abusive men rely on these five strategies to
gratify their needs ahead of or at the expense of their partner:
with fingers caught in the cookie jar, abusive men are apt to outright deny
wrongdoing. I didnít do that. Thatís
not what you saw! This is quite crazy making for the women who live with
them. These women are left questioning their own perceptions, seeking to resolve
the cognitive dissonance between their experience and their partnerís
description of what appears as an alternate reality. Bottom line: If you
experience something with your own senses, donít question yourself and donít
take your partnerís bunk.
differs from denial in that while some truths are admitted to, they are
manipulated to suite the abuserís point of view. With distortion, they can
turn a lie into a plausible truth: I may
have done such and so, but I was just joking around. Because they rely on a
half lie, the abusive man can be more difficult to hold accountable. The partner
who is subject to this form of manipulation is apt to give the abuser multiple
chances, feeling the need to have absolute certainty before they can really
catch the abuser at this game. Bottom line: Donít let him play games with your
mind. If it smells bad, it is bad.
abuser that uses deflection never addresses any issue put to him. Rather, he is
apt to barrage you with a host of other issues to throw you off his scent. He
will make anything other than himself the issue and will be on it like a junk
yard dog on a bone. What are you blaming
me for? You know your mother doesnít like me. Quit listening to her and we
would be all right. Sheís the
problem between us! Donít let yourself be misguided. Stick with the facts
and continue to hold the abuser accountable. Donít let him throw others under
the bus to save himself.
men like to get away with whatever they can. The tactics include sneaking,
stealing and lying. These are the guys who will tell you they are out bowling
when having a sexual meet-up or say they are working late when out with the
boys. As long as they donít get caught, they continue to lie. Catch them in a
lie and they are apt to deny, distort or deflect. How many lies do you have to
catch your partner in before you get the message; this is an abusive man. No
solid relationship can be built on lies.
is a verbally violent tactic of the abusive men. These are put-downs that are
meant to cause their partner to feel bad. To the degree they can make their
partner feel bad, they elevate their own status. These men will demean and/or
blame you for any issue originating with them. This kind of abuse is
particularly dangerous to a womenís self-esteem. Once you accept that you are
a lowly dog, heís got full control of you and will use you up and spit you out
abusive men live among us and whatís worse; they can hide like wolves in
sheepís clothing. They can appear charming and they will try to work their way
into your heart. They seek to ingratiate themselves to you. However, once in,
theyíre out to exploit. Try and
thwart them and they rely on their five best friends to hold power so they can
continue to win their way for their own gratification.
your partner uses any of these strategies or combination of strategies on you,
see what you can do to help yourself. The likelihood of changing the truly
abusive man is limited. Your local womenís shelter would be a good first place
to seek counselling or a referral to other community resources.
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
Call Gary for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Services include counselling, mediation, assessment, assessment critiques and workshops.
For information on Direnfeld's book, Raising Kids Without Raising Cane, click here.
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